I was recently on a call where one of the women said – “I’ve learned to embrace the messy.” She shared that by letting go of perfection and trying to control her environment, she was able to see how the messy was a key part of gaining clarity.
I’ve spent many days reflecting on that simple comment – embrace the messy.
Let’s face it, none of us live Instagram perfect lives. While we tend to only share the picture-perfect moments, there’s a lot of mess happening behind the scenes. And it’s the mess that helps us truly appreciate and get to the moments of clarity.
When I look back on my life and career, all the big breakthroughs, aha moments or times of growth have come out of the messy.
Going through a divorce in my early 30s led to a period of counselling, self-reflection and personal growth. In my career, the harassment in I endured resulted in me stepping back from being an employee, learning how to lean into tough conversations instead of avoiding conflict and most importantly, creating my own path.
Stretches = growth
Now let’s be clear. I’m not talking about the traumatic experiences that leave a deep scar. Rather, the messy moments that make us frustrated, angry, disappointed or any other of the wide range of emotions. These can be small messes or ones that turn into colossal messes.
But at the core of our messes is an opportunity to grow. To not be sucked in or hyper focused on the mess but rather appreciate the growth and learning opportunity the mess presents. These reflections, and the lesson learned living through the mess, are what propel us.
Being stretched is never comfortable. I have a child with dyslexia, and we recently chatted about what it was like for them to learn how to read. It didn’t come easy – for either of us. It took a lot of time finding the right tutor, learning the limits to their stretching (when was it too much) and pushing through the frustration.
While they still don’t enjoy reading, they’re now able to read the instructions in their video games. A big win for them!
We’ve chatted about this journey many times as they encountered new challenges at school. As a student with learning disabilities, these challenges are many. But with each stretch comes new growth.
There is no growing without stretching.
Think of those growth spurts you had when you were a kid. You were definitely being stretched!
Growth is messy
As an adult, our moments of growth look different than our kids. Often, they’re the messy moments, that we don’t always talk about, in both our personal and professional lives.
In the work I do as a speaker and coach, I’ve seen way too many people get stuck, or even trapped, in the mess. They spend all their time and energy grumbling, giving power to the mess, allowing the mess to grow.
The result – they become entwined in the mess.
I’m sure there’s someone in your life who pops into mind.
Embrace the messy!
It’s like quicksand. If you fight it, it will suck you down. But if you relax and try to rise above it, it loses its grip.
Patterns of mess
You may even notice patterns of mess that keep emerging in your life. Instead of complaining, be curious.
What are your patterns? Why do they keep emerging? What lesson are they trying to teach you? When you push against a learning opportunity, it tends to keep reappearing until you take notice and lean into the lesson.
As a consultant, my pattern was to say yes. Say yes to requests for work, even when they didn’t align with my core purpose. Say yes to clients that brought little joy, for fear of saying no.
When I realized the pattern was that I was more focused on pleasing others than following my passion (and gifts), I learned to say no. By saying no to what I didn’t want I was able to create space for what I did want.
And in this space the magic has happened. I’ve greatly scaled down my consultant business while rapidly growing my speaking business. I’ve followed what brings me joy, helping others, in a way that comes naturally to me – speaking and training.
Along the way, I’ve started saying no to clients or opportunities that aren’t aligned with the work I do or the direction I’m going. And that’s okay – because it allows them to find someone who will meet their needs.
By embracing the messy and seeing these moments as learning opportunities, I’ve been able to grow as a person and professional. While the messy hasn’t disappeared, I know its presence means there’s growth around the next corner.
I encourage you to embrace the messy!